The Creation Thumbnail

 " In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters." Genesis 1:1-2

There are some theologians who think that there is a historical gap between Genesis 1:1 and 1:2. That God created a perfect world which became dark and empty. They tie this ruin to the fall of Lucifer. I think that this is a big stretch of the scriptures.

How about looking at Genesis 1:1 as the title page or the heading. Then beginning in 1:2 the writer begins to lay out how God created the natural world and in what order they were created. This doesn't just involve planet earth. It involves the entire universe. Before there was a natural world, there was darkness. The first thing that God created was light. Viewing Genesis 1:1 as the title makes it much easier to understand for me.

The first two chapters of Genesis were never intended to be a scientific explanation of the creation story and the origin of life. It was not important in God's mind that we know the physics of creation. It gives us a thumbnail of how life and the universe came to be. Science wears itself out trying to come up with a story that omits God.

I Shall Not Die

 "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." Psalm 118:17

This verse jumped out at me today. I have wondered at times if my life was over. When someone I know dies it makes me wonder how long I have to live. But today the Lord spoke this word to me and I am confident than I still have many years yet to live.

Life must be lived to the end. I intend to do that to the best of my abilities. I went through a season of illness. I seem to be in a renewed season of wellness again. thank God for that!

Grief Lessons From Job

One last thing that I want to deal with about death and dying and grief. It is not only the spouse who is grieving, it is their friends and family members. And the problem is that people want to help but they do not know what to do. They are afraid to hurt you. They are afraid that you are contagious. 

Here is the story involving our old friend Job. 

"Now when Job's three friends had heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came...to mourn with him and to comfort him....So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great." Job 2:11,13

First, no one criticized Job for grieving.

Second, no one spoke to him. They were just there.

Third, grief is "very great".

Fourth, in chapter 3, Job is angry at God. This bothered Job's friends. It did not bother God.

Sometimes just being there is enough. Do not try to fix the grieving person, Let them grieve. Give them food, give them a hug, give them some tangible help. One of Kathy's friends came over and did my dishes. Ladies from church brought me meals. It was not until Job's friends began correcting him that they got into trouble with God. And God was the grownup in the story. He let Job rant. Then God dealt with Job as a grownup. Then God put Job in his place. And God gave him twice as much as he had lost. God can absorb our anger.

The worst thing you can do to a grieving person is to ignore them. They are so lonely, and you ignoring them only confirms what they feel inside.

Another List of the Stages of Grief

 Like I said before, there are similar lists of stages to grief. Here is another list from another source. This is a useful tool for those who work with people.

1. Shock. Shock is a numbed disbelief that you use to disconnect from reality. This is protection from overwhelming news.

2. Denial. Denial is common. We use it to guard our hearts from the unimaginable. We somehow think that this hasn't really happened and we try to tell ourselves that nothing has changed.

3. Anger. Anger is normal but we feel that it is wrong. It is normal to be angry. It is healthy to be angry. Anger is not hatred, it is inner pain. We lash out at those who we feel caused us this pain. I was angry at Kathy for leaving me.

4. Bargaining. This writer says that this is about control. Death feels beyond our control. We start to think what if or if only. This is mental gymnastics. We are desperate for control of our circumstances. We wonder if God has lost control over me.

5. Depression. Depression is challenging and it can be dangerous. This is what happens when it all begins to sink in that it really happened. Depression is hopelessness.

6. Testing. This is the what now stage. Seeing what still works. We test life to see if it still works. We test what to do next. I tried to do things that I did before Kathy was in my life. I went to a grief support group. I was desperate to find something that worked.

7. Acceptance. In the beginning of grief, you think that accepting it all is a fantasy. But one day, little by little, you will accept life as it is now. Sadness will begin to recede a little bit at a time. It takes time to accept it, but once you do, you are halfway home.

I went through all of these stages. I thought that I would not survive. I cried until I had no more tears. But I did survive and I am here today on the far side of grief, looking back.

The Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.

The 5 stages of grief will mean nothing to you if you are not dealing with the death of a loved one. The 5 stages of grief will let you know that you are not crazy if you are dealing with the death of a close loved one. The 5 stages of grief will help you understand what a grieving person is going through.

So here is a brief explanation of the Kubler-Ross version of the 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial. Even though you know they are dead, a thought will occur to you that they may walk through the door any minute. That this is only a dream. Death is so traumatic that we cannot wrap our heads around it. We feel paralyzed with shock. We feel blanketed with numbness. Our minds and our hearts cannot accept the obvious. Denial is irrational, but it happens.

2. Anger. Anger is natural and normal. Why do we try so hard to suppress it? We get angry at the dead person, we get angry at ourselves, we get angry with God, we get angry at doctors and pastors. Anger is simply a sign that you cannot accept death as a fact. The root of anger is pain. And we direct our anger at those who we think caused us this pain. One good thing about anger is it is proof that you still have feelings.

3. Bargaining. We go from bargaining for more time alive to trying to make a bargain on surviving the death. I used to beg for just 10 minutes of quiet in my heart and mind. We bargain with God, with ourselves, with our family, to just let me live again, let me live now. Let me find peace.

4. Depression. Depression to a grieving person is like a fog of intense sadness. We think, why go on anymore. Life seems empty and pointless. You spend the day in bed, or in your pajamas. We must understand that grief is deeper than we imagined. We feel like this depression will last forever. I hate to tell you, but depression associated with grieving is necessary. The only way around it is to go through it. It will not last forever. Depression means that you have finally come to grips with the fact that they are never coming back. That is sad. If depression deepens you may need to seek professional help.

5. Acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that it's over, that it's fine, that everything is okay. Acceptance is the first step in learning to live without the one who you cannot live without. You do not have to like it to accept it. But you must, little by little, accept this unacceptable fact. In acceptance you cross the line and the good days begin to overtake the bad days. This takes time. Acceptance for me emerged the first time I laughed at something. The first time I saw something that brought me happiness.

So there you have it. Like I said, this is not a checklist or a map. These are just guidelines to help you to cope. Grief is something you go through, not a destination where you live.

The Stages Of Grief

Many years ago doctor Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book called On Death And Dying in which she wrote down what came to be known as the Five Stages Of Grief. Later she wrote a book entitled On Grief And Grieving.  In later years others have added to her original idea to come up with the Seven Stages Of Grief. Whether five or seven, they all cover the same ground.

The stages of grief are not a timeline or a check list. They were never intended to help us organize a chaotic, messy mass of emotions into a tidy neat package. They are the result of years of observing how real people react to dying, and in observing how survivors deal with grief. They describe the responses to loss of real people. I have experienced all of them.

According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief are:

1.Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

At a later time I will go through all of these to explain what they mean.

Another professional listed the stages of grief like this:

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Depression

6. Testing

7. Acceptance

Again, while these are similar, I will go through them one by one to explain them in order.

These lessons are for people suffering with real loss and death of a close personal relative. You can grieve the loss of a lot of things. But the deepest, hardest grief journey definitely comes from the death of a spouse, a child, or a parent. My wife of 40 years died and her death threw me into the maelstrom of grief that I am surprised that I survived. But I did. You will survive too.

"...you shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy." John 16:20b

New Bad Words

 As followers of Jesus we do not cuss. We do not use bad words. We do not drop F-bombs. We try our hardest to let no corrupt communication proceed from our mouths, as we read in Ephesians 4:29. We do not want to be found grieving the Holy Spirit by our words.

But in grief some people learn a whole new set of bad words that they say freely. These words sound reasonable under the circumstances. Some church folks use the same bad words in their daily lives. What are those words? Should have, ought to have, could have, etc. Or to put it into slang, woulda, coulda, shoulda.

 I should have done more. I should have paid closer attention,  I should have made the call, or paid the visit, or opened my mouth. If I knew then what I know now I would have behaved differently.

But we didn't know then what we know now. We did all that we could do under the circumstances. We did and said what seemed best at the time. Looking back only fills you with regret.

When Kathy was sick, pastor Mitchell gave us some good advice. He told us to do what the doctor told us to do. So we did just that. They did their best, and then Kathy died anyway.

So do yourself a favor and stop beating yourself up with those new bad words. It's time to move on.