Grief Lessons From Job

One last thing that I want to deal with about death and dying and grief. It is not only the spouse who is grieving, it is their friends and family members. And the problem is that people want to help but they do not know what to do. They are afraid to hurt you. They are afraid that you are contagious. 

Here is the story involving our old friend Job. 

"Now when Job's three friends had heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came...to mourn with him and to comfort him....So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great." Job 2:11,13

First, no one criticized Job for grieving.

Second, no one spoke to him. They were just there.

Third, grief is "very great".

Fourth, in chapter 3, Job is angry at God. This bothered Job's friends. It did not bother God.

Sometimes just being there is enough. Do not try to fix the grieving person, Let them grieve. Give them food, give them a hug, give them some tangible help. One of Kathy's friends came over and did my dishes. Ladies from church brought me meals. It was not until Job's friends began correcting him that they got into trouble with God. And God was the grownup in the story. He let Job rant. Then God dealt with Job as a grownup. Then God put Job in his place. And God gave him twice as much as he had lost. God can absorb our anger.

The worst thing you can do to a grieving person is to ignore them. They are so lonely, and you ignoring them only confirms what they feel inside.

Another List of the Stages of Grief

 Like I said before, there are similar lists of stages to grief. Here is another list from another source. This is a useful tool for those who work with people.

1. Shock. Shock is a numbed disbelief that you use to disconnect from reality. This is protection from overwhelming news.

2. Denial. Denial is common. We use it to guard our hearts from the unimaginable. We somehow think that this hasn't really happened and we try to tell ourselves that nothing has changed.

3. Anger. Anger is normal but we feel that it is wrong. It is normal to be angry. It is healthy to be angry. Anger is not hatred, it is inner pain. We lash out at those who we feel caused us this pain. I was angry at Kathy for leaving me.

4. Bargaining. This writer says that this is about control. Death feels beyond our control. We start to think what if or if only. This is mental gymnastics. We are desperate for control of our circumstances. We wonder if God has lost control over me.

5. Depression. Depression is challenging and it can be dangerous. This is what happens when it all begins to sink in that it really happened. Depression is hopelessness.

6. Testing. This is the what now stage. Seeing what still works. We test life to see if it still works. We test what to do next. I tried to do things that I did before Kathy was in my life. I went to a grief support group. I was desperate to find something that worked.

7. Acceptance. In the beginning of grief, you think that accepting it all is a fantasy. But one day, little by little, you will accept life as it is now. Sadness will begin to recede a little bit at a time. It takes time to accept it, but once you do, you are halfway home.

I went through all of these stages. I thought that I would not survive. I cried until I had no more tears. But I did survive and I am here today on the far side of grief, looking back.

The Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.

The 5 stages of grief will mean nothing to you if you are not dealing with the death of a loved one. The 5 stages of grief will let you know that you are not crazy if you are dealing with the death of a close loved one. The 5 stages of grief will help you understand what a grieving person is going through.

So here is a brief explanation of the Kubler-Ross version of the 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial. Even though you know they are dead, a thought will occur to you that they may walk through the door any minute. That this is only a dream. Death is so traumatic that we cannot wrap our heads around it. We feel paralyzed with shock. We feel blanketed with numbness. Our minds and our hearts cannot accept the obvious. Denial is irrational, but it happens.

2. Anger. Anger is natural and normal. Why do we try so hard to suppress it? We get angry at the dead person, we get angry at ourselves, we get angry with God, we get angry at doctors and pastors. Anger is simply a sign that you cannot accept death as a fact. The root of anger is pain. And we direct our anger at those who we think caused us this pain. One good thing about anger is it is proof that you still have feelings.

3. Bargaining. We go from bargaining for more time alive to trying to make a bargain on surviving the death. I used to beg for just 10 minutes of quiet in my heart and mind. We bargain with God, with ourselves, with our family, to just let me live again, let me live now. Let me find peace.

4. Depression. Depression to a grieving person is like a fog of intense sadness. We think, why go on anymore. Life seems empty and pointless. You spend the day in bed, or in your pajamas. We must understand that grief is deeper than we imagined. We feel like this depression will last forever. I hate to tell you, but depression associated with grieving is necessary. The only way around it is to go through it. It will not last forever. Depression means that you have finally come to grips with the fact that they are never coming back. That is sad. If depression deepens you may need to seek professional help.

5. Acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that it's over, that it's fine, that everything is okay. Acceptance is the first step in learning to live without the one who you cannot live without. You do not have to like it to accept it. But you must, little by little, accept this unacceptable fact. In acceptance you cross the line and the good days begin to overtake the bad days. This takes time. Acceptance for me emerged the first time I laughed at something. The first time I saw something that brought me happiness.

So there you have it. Like I said, this is not a checklist or a map. These are just guidelines to help you to cope. Grief is something you go through, not a destination where you live.

The Stages Of Grief

Many years ago doctor Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book called On Death And Dying in which she wrote down what came to be known as the Five Stages Of Grief. Later she wrote a book entitled On Grief And Grieving.  In later years others have added to her original idea to come up with the Seven Stages Of Grief. Whether five or seven, they all cover the same ground.

The stages of grief are not a timeline or a check list. They were never intended to help us organize a chaotic, messy mass of emotions into a tidy neat package. They are the result of years of observing how real people react to dying, and in observing how survivors deal with grief. They describe the responses to loss of real people. I have experienced all of them.

According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief are:

1.Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

At a later time I will go through all of these to explain what they mean.

Another professional listed the stages of grief like this:

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Depression

6. Testing

7. Acceptance

Again, while these are similar, I will go through them one by one to explain them in order.

These lessons are for people suffering with real loss and death of a close personal relative. You can grieve the loss of a lot of things. But the deepest, hardest grief journey definitely comes from the death of a spouse, a child, or a parent. My wife of 40 years died and her death threw me into the maelstrom of grief that I am surprised that I survived. But I did. You will survive too.

"...you shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy." John 16:20b

New Bad Words

 As followers of Jesus we do not cuss. We do not use bad words. We do not drop F-bombs. We try our hardest to let no corrupt communication proceed from our mouths, as we read in Ephesians 4:29. We do not want to be found grieving the Holy Spirit by our words.

But in grief some people learn a whole new set of bad words that they say freely. These words sound reasonable under the circumstances. Some church folks use the same bad words in their daily lives. What are those words? Should have, ought to have, could have, etc. Or to put it into slang, woulda, coulda, shoulda.

 I should have done more. I should have paid closer attention,  I should have made the call, or paid the visit, or opened my mouth. If I knew then what I know now I would have behaved differently.

But we didn't know then what we know now. We did all that we could do under the circumstances. We did and said what seemed best at the time. Looking back only fills you with regret.

When Kathy was sick, pastor Mitchell gave us some good advice. He told us to do what the doctor told us to do. So we did just that. They did their best, and then Kathy died anyway.

So do yourself a favor and stop beating yourself up with those new bad words. It's time to move on.

What Is Grief?

 Grieving is proof of your love. The deeper you grieve shows the depth of your love. But what is grief? Someone said that grief is suffering without the relief of dying. So let me share some insights on grieving with you.

1. Grief is a strong, and often overwhelming emotional response to the death of a loved one. You can grieve the death of a pet or the loss of a career. But we will limit our understanding to the loss of a close personal relative. Spouse, parent, or child. Grief will take you on a journey covering a wide range of emotions, and for a while, all happening at once. You may feel like you are losing your mind and that your life is spinning out of control.

2. Grief is a natural response to death. Grief is both universal and personal. Everyone grieves, and so will you. And everyone will grieve in their own unique way. There are stages to grief, but there is no timeline or checklist. There is no time limit to grief. Grief is a natural response to an actual death, not just sad that things didn't work out.

3. The loneliness of grieving is the most painful and intense loneliness you will ever feel. It is the loss of a needed relationship. It is the violent breaking apart of what God had joined together. The loneliness of grief will not be fixed by a new relationship or a new spouse. Only Jesus can heal your broken heart.

Grief is a deep well of understanding. Do not be afraid to grieve the one that you lost to death.

Broken Hearted Me

I was talking to a couple of friends after church and I began to tell them some of my experiences in grieving the death of my wife. As we talked and as I told my story I was surprised by the pain that I began to feel inside. My wife died in 2014. I have moved on from grief. But I realized that there are scars on my heart that are always there and I can feel them when I begin to rehearse the events surrounding my wife's death. This surprised me a little.

The most traumatic thing that ever happened to me as an adult Christian man was Kathy's death. I was not prepared for the grief journey that I found myself on. I was not prepared for the jumble of emotions and the intensity of emotions that I felt. It got so bad that I began to attend a grief support group called Griefshare. Griefshare saved me from the awful depths of despair.

So while I was happy to share my story with my friends, I sit here now nursing the pain from remembering those awful days from finding Kathy dead in our bed to attending my first Griefshare session.

There was a time when reminiscing about Kathy's death would have been off limits to me. That I can talk about it now is a good thing. That it still hurts is a puzzling thing to me.

Some people thrive on memories. I do not. That's the biggest reason why I left Prescott. It was our place, and she was gone.

A new wife will not fix what is wrong with me. Only Jesus can do what needs to be done, which is to heal my broken heart.